Words Matter: Gossip
Two men sit together at a small round table, discussing someone else in low voices, leaning their heads closer together to keep the conversation more private.
“I definitely saw evidence of it!” one says.
“They have to make some changes,” says the other, shaking his head.
The first nods in agreement. “What’s our next step, then?”
“We need to loop in Sandra first of all. She needs to be part of this.”
This is clearly gossip, right? They should not be discussing someone else, the happenings in their lives, and what their opinion is about what this person needs to change. And at the end? Bringing in yet another person to their gossip party?
They’re definitely sinning.
The two men stand and gather up their things. Walking down the hall, they approach a door that says, “Dr. Sandra Smith, nutritionist”. One adjusts the lapels of his white coat before knocking. The other opens their patient’s chart to the pertinent test results, readying them for this consult.
Okay, I take it back. They’re not sinning. They’re not gossiping. They’re doing their jobs as doctors: an endocrinologist and a general practitioner at a hospital discussing the issues their newly-diagnosed diabetes patient is facing; and making the good call to bring a nutritionist into the discussion and onto the care team.
This communication among colleagues is essential to good care and good outcomes, and nobody would think twice about it occurring.
Speaking of diagnoses…
Has a church leader or another congregant strictly warned you that a topic is out of bounds and you need to keep quiet so as to not gossip?
Has the context been something like:
You are struggling with the way someone has treated you and are seeking advice from a trusted person?
You are unsure how to categorize something you experienced or witnessed and need wise counsel on how to best proceed?
Someone told you something occurred and because of it you are concerned for them—so you’re speaking about it to someone in a position to help?
You’re having mixed feelings about the treatment of a person or an issue by the church as an organization or its leadership, and you’re not sure if you’re overreacting or seeing things that aren’t there, so you take it to a trusted and level-headed friend for a second-opinion?
You know for a fact a wrong has been said or done by someone in a position of authority (including wrong teaching) and it should be corrected / called out?
Please know that in the above scenarios, calling these things “gossip” would be a serious over-diagnosis.
Yes, gossip is real and it is a sin. It should not be done.
But the above examples and others like them are not gossip.
Let me explain.
In fear for his life
A young man who loved the Lord began to realize the leadership over him was not just and was in fact out to get him. He didn’t want to believe it at first, and stayed through several scary experiences, believing that God wanted him to minister where he was (God was clearly blessing everything he did).
Finally, he received incontrovertible proof that the leader was actively plotting against him, due to jealousy and a feeling of needing to protect his own position. The young man ran for his own safety, to a long-time friend and mentor. As soon as he arrived, he told this mentor every detail of what had been done to him. All the scary instances he’d persevered through, the injustices, the undeserved betrayals, and uncovering just how much wrong this leader planned to do to him.
“You’re gossiping! You can’t speak that way against the Lord’s anointed!” —is this what his mentor said to him? No. His mentor said no such thing and instead heard him and protected him. He actually went against this leader by doing so!
Do you think the young man was right or wrong to reveal what had been done to him?
Saul sent agents to David’s house to watch for him and kill him in the morning. But his wife Michal warned David, “If you don’t escape tonight, you will be dead tomorrow!” So she lowered David from the window, and he fled and escaped…
…So David fled and escaped and went to Samuel at Ramah and told him everything Saul had done to him. Then he and Samuel left and stayed at Naioth.
1 Samuel 19:11-12, 18
God, the human writer of 1 Samuel, and the prophet Samuel himself seem to accept it as perfectly reasonable and non-sinful for David to relay what was done to him.
To put it plainly: it was not gossip for David to reveal the personal wrongs done to him and seek help.
It is not wrong to discuss a wrong done to you, to tell your story. Especially if it has a constructive purpose (examples: to seek help or advice, to encourage another, to warn another).
He wasn’t targeting her
A young woman became aware of someone who was a danger to some very vulnerable people. He had not done anything to her personally, but once she became aware he was a threat to others, she felt compelled to do something.
She felt that, by her silence she would be complicit in whatever he perpetuated on others, so she gathered her courage and informed the authority about this man. She told him everything she’d heard he was planning to do. She described the depths of his hatred and the actions she had heard he was about to take. She named him.
Was this gossip?
Of course not. This was Esther.
Queen Esther answered, “If I have found favor with you, Your Majesty, and if the king is pleased, spare my life; this is my request. And spare my people; this is my desire. For my people and I have been sold to destruction, death, and annihilation…
…King Ahasuerus spoke up and asked Queen Esther, “Who is this, and where is the one who would devise such a scheme?”
Esther answered, “The adversary and enemy is this evil Haman.”
Esther 7:3-4a, 5-6
Haman’s edict was an evil many people were aware of, but nobody had bothered to inform the correct authority about.
To put it plainly: it was not gossip for Esther to reveal a wrong planned against someone else in order to protect them and seek justice.
It is not wrong to discuss, reveal, and warn about someone who is a danger to others. Yes, even publicly. Yes, to the actual authorities who “bear the sword.” And remember (though it is sobering): when the safety (any kind of safety) of another is on the line, silence just might be complicity.
She’s making an awful lot of noise!
What about the parable of the persistent widow? She was on the receiving end of some form of oppression and she would not keep silent about it. She was so persistently vocal, she wore down the corrupt judge in her town!
Now he told them a parable on the need for them to pray always and not give up. “There was a judge in a certain town who didn’t fear God or respect people. And a widow in that town kept coming to him, saying, ‘Give me justice against my adversary.’
“For a while he was unwilling, but later he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or respect people, yet because this widow keeps pestering me, I will give her justice, so that she doesn’t wear me out[b] by her persistent coming.’”
Then the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. Will not God grant justice to his elect who cry out to him day and night? Will he delay helping them? I tell you that he will swiftly grant them justice. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?”
Luke 18:1-8
Interestingly, Jesus’ focus was not on her constant, public airing of the grievance against someone who likely societally outranked her. His conclusion in the story wasn’t, “She should have kept silent and persevered in the trial. That should have been between only her and her adversary. Speaking about it to others was gossip!”
No, Jesus gave her full rights to speak about it in pursuit of justice. He’s holding her up as a good example. In fact, His whole point was that we can even be this bold about things with God!
But the Bible does speak against gossip
Yes. It absolutely does.
And as someone who has been gossiped about, I greatly appreciate that it is addressed and forbidden as the sinful, damaging thing that it is.
I hope I’ve show above that simply speaking truth with an actual purpose should not be diagnosed as “gossip.” It just doesn’t fit the definition in English or in the way the Bible sees things.
To the one being revealed by your truth-speaking, “gossip” may be a handy term to reach for. A convincing term to apply to silence you.
But to avoid an over-diagnosis of gossip, it really should only be used when:
There’s a component of intentional malice. No, this does not include someone claiming you’re being malicious just because they’re uncomfortable you exposed their wrongdoings. Your motive would actually have to be malicious.
It is purposeless— speaking of something just for entertainment purposes, to feed that something in yourself or someone else that finds salacious things tasty. When you are not seeking actionable advice, help, or working out steps toward some type of just resolution. Related to this: if it simply and only for the purpose of passing judgment on someone while not in their presence.
It is rumor. This goes hand in hand with the previous point. Note that, as in the case of Esther, this does not prevent you from speaking on behalf of someone other than yourself—about something that hasn’t happened to you personally, but that you’re aware of—it just needs to be truth. Not rumor.
It is shared with the wrong audience. If you’re sharing with someone who:
has no connection to the situation
isn’t someone who has a right or a need to know (for example, someone who may be in danger, or whose children may be in danger without the info, does have a right to know)
is known to be untrustworthy and/or a purveyor of the salacious
…you might be speaking to the wrong audience. This one is tricky and takes discernment.
There is a lot of bad teaching floating around about when information should be kept private or made public. And so frequently I hear the over-diagnosis of “gossip” used to keep everything private—even things that absolutely are the business of the congregation.
Read more about my thoughts on demanding truth be hidden to protect reputations, etc. here.
In conclusion, there are large, large categories of things that are not gossip. In fact, there are many categories of things we have a duty to bring to the light.
Over-diagnosing everything as “gossip” may be (at best) an attempt to avoid truly dealing with difficult situations in the Body of Christ, or (at worst) a spiritually manipulative way to silence those speaking truth.
I encourage you to pray for discernment about what is, and isn’t, gossip in God’s eyes rather than relying on irresponsibly broad definitions made by man.
Want to discuss how to define gossip further? Trying to determine if something is or isn’t gossip? Happy to bounce these ideas around with you! Send me a private message!